One-Hundred and One Things I Am Not Allowed to do in Fairy Tail
by Hedgehog of Time
Summary: Fairy Tail prides itself on it's freedom, but there are rules, unspoken rules, that the Guild members live by. These are those one-hundred and one rules. Very crack. Leave suggestions.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: 1 - 10

**Number 1: I will not let Gajeel host a concert to raise funds**

"SWEET HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY, MAKE IT STOP!"

"MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!"

"MOMMY MAKE IT GO AWAY!"

Fairy Tail ended up paying a mountain of hospital expenses for the destroyed eardrums, all out of Gajeels pocket.

**Number 2: I will not trick Natsu into saying inappropriate things.**

"Lucy!" cried Natsu as he ran up to his friend in the Guildhall. "Lucy play with me!" he whined like a little kid.

Lucy sighed and put down her book. "Okay, what game." she asked in a resigned tone.

Natsu gave a huge grin, planted his hands on his hips, puffed out his chest and declared, "I want to play Hide the Sausage!"

Complete silence filled the Guildhall.

"LUCY KICK!" cried Lucy, kicking poor Natsu in the balls so hard he went flying through the roof.

Meanwhile Gray and Gajeel laughed their asses off in the corner at their trick on the poor Dragon Slayer.

**Number 3: I will not let Wendy anywhere near Erza's books.**

Erza returned to her room hoping for a calm night of reading her new novel and tea, until she saw Wendy leaving the room, a blank look in her eyes and one of Erza's more, um, _adult_ novels in her hands.

"Wendy!" cried Erza in distress. "WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED TO YOU!"

Wendy looked up at Erza, that same dead look in her eyes. "What has been read... cannot be unread."

**Number 4: I will not tell Gajeel that Jet took Levy's virginity.**

The Iron Dragon Slayer put the poor wizard in the hospital and then took _his_ Shrimp back to his apartment where he showed her exactly what she had been missing.

**Number 5: I will not introduce Fairy Tail to TV fandoms.**

"_Arrow_ is the BOMB!" declared Erza waving her new copy of the second season DVD set around.

"Please, _SupernaturaI _beats _Arrow_'s sorry ass any day." scoffed Gajeel.

"No way, VIVA LA _SHERLOCK!" _cried Levy.

"_My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic _is best I think." said Wendy in a small and apologetic voice.

"_SPONGEBOB _FOREVER!" roared Natsu.

Lucy whacked him upside the head. "Bitch, _Pretty Little Liars _beats them all!"

"SILENCE!" cried Makarov. "By my authority as Guildmaster I declare _Doctor Who_ is the best TV show EVER!" And none dared object, for they knew it was the Holy and sacred truth.

**Number 6: I will not give Laxus the nickname of Thor.**

Everyone knew it was a bad idea as it only swelled his ego further, but they knew it was time for an intervention when he started wearing a winged helmet and carrying a Viking warhammer around. Not to mention his mother's favorite drapes as a cape.

**Number 7: I will not advertise that anyone who joins the Guild will get to touch Mirajane's boobs.**

The amount of men joining Fairy Tail increased exponentially, but so did the amount of people hospitalized because of electrocution via an angry Dragon Slayer. (Laxus's innocent whistling fooled no one but Natsu and Happy.)

**Number 8: I will not host dance competitions.**

Happy won with his sick breakdancing skills and broke the minds of several lesser mages.

**Number 9: I will not ask for the girl's measurements.**

The doctor is still perplexed as to how Gray is still alive after having his spine analy removed, his skull split open, two of his ribs ripped out and stabbed in his eyes, and an entire six-pack of beer shoved down his throat.

**Number 10: I will not let the girls watch the anime "School Days".**

"This music, it's so sad... yet so beautiful." said Erza, dabbing her tears with a kleenex.

"OH MY GOD SHE CUT OFF HIS HEAD AND PUT IT IN HER BAG!" cried Lucy, her face twisted in absolute horror.

"Go Kotonoha! Kill that boyfriend stealing bitch! Oh, what's this? Cutting her open to see if she was really pregnant? Juvia likes this girls style!" cried Juvia clapping her hands like a pleased toddler.

Levy could only watch in horror, how had Gajeel convinced her to watch this?

_**AN:**_** Love it? Hate it? Indifferent? Well whatever you think of it drop a suggestion for what you want to see next on the list.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: 11 - 20

**#11:**** I will not let Laxus give Natsu dating tips.**

Natsu ran up to Lucy with a big grin. "Hey Lucy!" he cried happilly. "Laxus gave us something awesome for our date tonight."

Lucy, feeling a profound sense of dread looked up at her pink-haired boyfriend. "Oh, um, well, what is it Natsu?" she asked, sweating slightly.

Natsu held up a small gray packet containing a condom. "A baloon, isn't it awesome!?" Lucy stared in horror for a moment, her face turning as red as Erza's hair before kicking Natsu in the balls and storming off.

Laxus got a good laugh out of it, until Mirajane and Erza beat him to death.

**#12:**** I will not let Natsu see Lucy's yaoi collection.**

"LUCY!" roared Natsu as he tore into her living room, holding one of her rather... interesting pictures of him and Gray. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" he screamed, a vein in his head throbbing.

Lucy sighed. "I'm sorry Natsu, but a girl has needs. And it is incredibly hot." she said shrugging.

Natsu's eye twitched involuntarily as he incinerated the picture. "No... more... yaoi." He grabbed her and ripped her shirt off. "No... more... EVER!"

The next day Lucy came into the Guild with rumpled clothes, mussed up hair, and a glazed look in her eyes.

"Told you it would work." smirked Levy as she sat down next to her friend. "It does something similar to Gajeel." Lucy could only let out a small whimpering noise.

**#13:**** I will not do the happy dance every time Gajeel passes by.**

Max is still in the hospital.

**#14:**** I will not dress up like a clown and follow Macao around in a way that only he can see me.**

The first day he got suspicious, the second day he got paranoid, and by the fifth he was dragged away in a straight jacket screamin, "THE CLOWN! THE CLOWN! IT'S EVERYWHERE! DON'T YOU SEE IT!?"

**#15:**** I will not tell Laxus that Mirajane is pregnant with his kid.**

"Hey has anyone seen Laxus?" asked Bickslow. "I haven't seen him since Mirajane told him she was pregnant."

Gray pointed, "He's still in the corner, rocking back and forth, crying and talking to himself."

**#16:** **I will not kiss Gray Fullbuster.**

"_Canaaaa... where arrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee you?_" asked Juvia in a hollow voice as she wandered around the Guild with a butcher knife and a disturbing smile plastered on her face.

"_I promise I won't hurt youuuuuuuu?_"

In the end it took the combined strength of Gajeel, Natsu, Laxus, Elfman, Erza, AND Gildarts to hold the madwoman down and months of therapy to keep her from hunting and killing Cana.

**#17:**** I will not let Elfman watch the end of **_**Old Yeller**_**.**

He cried for weeks and insisted on kidnapping all the dogs in Magnolia in order to protect them from cruel farmboys.

He's still in therapy.

**#18:**** I will not make Erza choose between a three hour long make-out session with Jellal or all the strawberry cake she can eat.**

Erza passed out from a nosebleed from the thousands of perverted fantasies her mind conducted in the span of fifteen seconds. The smell of cake revived her though.

**#19:**** I will not introduce Natsu to **_**Assassin's Creed**_**.**

After his twentieth failed Leap of Faith everyone agreed that it was time for an intervention. They gave him _Skyrim_ to play instead but THAT is a story for another day altogether.

**#20:**** I will not tie Jellal naked to Erza's bed.**

"ERZA NO- WAIT- THAT'S NOT- NOT THAT HOLE! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The men of the Guild didn't know whether to envy the man or pity him.

**AN: Like it? Hate it? Want to eat it? Let me know in the reviews!**


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